I haven't been writing because I haven't been doing so good. And I've been trying to find any distraction I can from thinking about how I'm not doing so good. Things with Surprise! got very close and intense very fast, and he was a dream. An absolute joy that made me happier than I've been in years. And then at the first sign that not every single moment was going to be all fantasy and perfection, he bailed. There's nothing I can do; he is gone. Even though the way things ended did indeed make me realize he wasn't as amazing as he seemed, it doesn't matter. He still broke my heart into tiny, sharp pieces, and they still sting. But I have tried to talk and think about him as little as possible.

Fratty, from a few weeks back? He continued to text for a while, and then he asked me out again. After things fizzled with Surprise!, I accepted. We had a great time. I like him, but I don't think we're a match for anything long-term or serious. However, as happens so often, he is now cooling and no longer responding if I text him. Great. If he vanishes, I won't mourn the loss of him so much as I will the loss of the distraction. We had fun. These days I need whatever fun I can get.

It's not just dudes. It's everything. Career, life, everything is going south. It's been very tough to take. I broke down and went to my parents' house, cried to them, told him how unhappy I've been recently. They assured me that they think I can do anything. That I will pull through. That things will be okay.

But for right now, it's just very, very hard.