Sunday, April 27, 2008

Just a quick update, since many of you are nice enough to care about what's going on. Things remain in limbo with OS. It's confusing and uncertain right now, so more when I sort some stuff out, talk to him more, and make some decisions. Am I still upset about it? Yes. I haven't been thrown for a loop like this by a guy since college, believe it or not.

But if things do continue with OS, I know we'll be seeing other people. So I reconnected with Hair, from a while back, and we've got a date set up for tomorrow night.

That's part of the beauty of Jdate, I'll admit. When you feel like you really want a date, you can usually get a date.

Hair seems sweet, he's offered to come to my neighborhood (you know how I like that!), and so we'll see...

--Cute Jewess

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Other shoe. Dropped.

After days of barely acknowledging my existence, OS is emailing that we should "have a chat."

We all know what that means.

So now I get to wait some number of hours before finding out his reasons. If he gives me any...

I've cried for him once already. Wonder what the actual end will feel like.


Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Oy. I'm stuck in the odd position of really not wanting to talk about it. But also having OS on my mind like a weight that won't be shaken. So what to do? I haven't really been talking about it to friends because it feels painful right now, and I tend to avoid painful things.

You may think I'm overreacting, and I probably am, but what can I do? How can I just dismiss feelings that are there whether I want them to be or not?

Just when I think things are entirely over, he throws me a bone. An email. He lost his phone. Contact is hard. But why isn't he emailing me, then, to say if we're having our date this week or not? It's such a neither here nor there excuse, and yet he's also not cutting ties yet. I feel entirely in limbo.

All reason and sense says to just end things. Just let him go myself. It used to be so fun. I was so giddy and happy when he was being so sweet and attentive. It isn't fun right now. I'm not giddy. In fact, I'm feeling rather despairish. Enough to create my own adjectives.

So I know what the logical thing to do is. I know he's not as into me as he once was. I know every bit of advice you could throw at me, and in fact I would probably give it to me myself.

But what can I say? I'm not ready to give him up yet. I'm just not ready yet. And so I'm in a sad, limbo-y, despairish mood right now, wishing so hard that things could go back to the way they were a couple weeks ago.

--Cute Jewess

Monday, April 21, 2008

At this point, it looks like he's just never going to contact me again. Going to act as if I don't exist. It's a horrible feeling on my end.

I think things will be over soon with OS, but I don't feel like writing much about it right now.

He used to text me just to say "I can't stop thinking about you." This weekend he didn't text me at all. Seems he managed to stop thinking about me.

Will we still have that dinner he promised me this week? Who knows.

I'm in a sucky mood about it, but that's not to be avoided right now, so let's hope it doesn't last long.

--Cute Jewess

Friday, April 18, 2008

My questions right now are:
1) Will OS text me this weekend?
2) Will we actually follow through on the tentative plans we talked about for next week?

I'm going to work hard on not texting him this weekend. I hope I stick to my guns! It'll be a busy weekend for both, with Passover here. I've got family in town, so I'll hope to be distracted.

I'll be so pleased if he just reaches out to get in touch.

Alright, folks. Good Pesach, good weekends, good weather, good eats, and we'll talk again soon.

--Cute Jewess

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Ugh. So today's stop on the OS Emotional Roller Coaster has me back at a low point. I just get the feeling he's not that into me anymore, and that sucks. He used to text me how much he looked forward to seeing me next, that he missed me, anything cute and flattering and sweet. I feel like those texts are over and done with. But they were what was making me feel so giddy in the first place.

It was such a nice feeling: Look at this hot guy sending me these sweet messages! He likes me! And I like him! How cool is that?

We're both busy until next week, but we talked about trying to squeeze each other in tomorrow for a little bit. In the "old days" (of like a week ago), I feel like he would have worked to fit me in. Now, I'm not so sure. It will depend on both our work schedules, I know, but something tells me it's just not going to happen.

As to Hotness? I'm surprised, I admit, that he's not calling to end things--that he's just doing the "never going to call again" thing. He had been so focused on being gentlemanly--insisting on picking me up for dates rather than meeting me there, not letting me even buy him a drink when I offered. I'm wondering whether I should call him to find out where he went. My gut tells me he met someone else. Also, I'm trying to remember that there were things about him that really turned me off physically, despite the fact that he's a good-looking guy. So on the one hand, I miss him a little. But on the other hand, I know I probably would have ended things with him anyway. So do I call? Or do I let him slip away altogether?

Ugh. I have a feeling OS is going to lead to some tears, folks.

--Cute Jewess

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Ok, I think OS and I are vaguely on the same page. He was pretty stressed out with work stuff last night, and not as affectionate as he was when we first started dating, but he seemed interested enough. He held my hand when we walked down the street. We continued to talk about future plans. We had pretty damn awesome sex. I stayed over his place, and his sweet little dog spent half the night sleeping next to me, snuggling, licking my hand, arm, cheek.

Here's the thing. I think right now both of us are mostly into the physical attraction. He is so hot. Just so friggin' hot. Crazy, I can't believe this guy is with me, hot. HOT. And great in the sack. But we both know--and we're both concerned--that we have very little in common. We enjoy doing some mutual activities, but mostly we're into different things.

And yes, there's the partying. He stays out late at night up to 4-5 days a week. I honestly can't do that, nor do I really want to. But so far he's not asking me to, so we'll see how that goes too. With Passover this coming weekend, I doubt we'll be seeing each other on the partiest of nights anytime in the immediate future. He did, though, offer to take me to this amazing restaurant next week for dinner, which sounds fun.

Know what else!? He's seen me in all my favorite jeans, so I was looking through my jeans drawer for this older pair that I remember being a little too baggy on me, but it was worth a try. I snagged the jeans, shrugged them on, and they fit like a friggin' glove. My legs looked thinner than usual, the jeans were tight but without the muffin top, they looked amazing. Hmmm, I thought to myself. Maybe I'd just washed them and they shrank? But then I realized--this was an entirely different pair of jeans. These were my skinny jeans. My size 3 jeans. I hadn't put them on in over a year.

When I joyfully remarked to OS that I fit into my skinny jeans, he said "That's because you're tiny," and he grabbed my ass.


For now, I'm feeling less panicky, less distraught. And that's all I needed. I won't be thinking "Why isn't he texting!?" or trying to stop myself from texting or emailing him. I'll just be able to go about my day, hearing from him or not, glowing a bit from a night of the best sex I've had in years.


--Cute Jewess

Tuesday, April 15, 2008


Things with OS at least via text and email have seemed closer to "normal" since last night. I'm seeing him tonight. Oh, I hope things go well!

At the very least, I think I'll have some good sex. I can't shake a stick at that, really, but oy, what if he's not a sweetie anymore? Or what if he's not affectionate with me anymore? I'll just be so in-the-funk about it, I think.

But worrying about that now won't do me any good. So I'll just hope that things are like they were last week, before he got weird.

Interestingly, Hotness has just vanished. I think this is partly my fault. I'm not very good at hiding my feelings--or rather, pretending to feel more than I do--and it's possible he felt my indifference last time I saw him. Or perhaps he met someone else. It saves me the horrible feeling of breaking things off, which is good. Also, I feel like I can always still call him up and reconnect should the urge arise.

Oh, Original Sporty! Cute as anything, makes my stomach plunge Original Sporty! Please be Dr. Sweetness and not Mr. Douche!

--Cute Jewess

Monday, April 14, 2008

I am feeling very confused right now, and I wonder if blogging will help. I also wonder whether I should turn off the comments for this one. Let me set up a bit first. You know I've been all giddy happy about OS, and I had so forgotten what that feeling was like. How it's so exciting when it's going on--how you feel like you're on the top of the world, just because someone you like so much thinks you're the I haven't felt this mixture of physical attraction and sheer crush giddiness since college. That's a long time. So losing it--for whatever reason, whether it be because the object likes me less or that the object turns out to be not so great--anything that will change it will make me feel very sad.

So, to recap on what happened before yesterday: We start our last date just like always. He's sweet as anything, adorable, complimentary. Then within a couple hours, there's a complete 180 change. Out of the blue. A shocker.

When I saw OS yesterday, I knew it would be at an event. I knew there would be other people there. And so I invited a friend to join--I'll call her Adorable because she is so totally adorable. I knew I wouldn't get to spend much time with OS at the event, but when we'd last parted, I had said to him, "Will I see you afterwards?" and he had said, "Why wouldn't you?" and he had given me one of his sweet adorable little kisses. It had been the only recognizable moment in a few hours. It had given me a glimmer of hope. That maybe when I saw him after the event things would be okay.

I was nervous all during the event. I filled in Adorable on the whole goings-on. At one point OS winked at me from across the room, and Adorable gushed about how cute that was. It was pretty darn cute. Except, oy, the partying again. (I will be the first to admit that he is a man in his mid-to-late 30s who seems to party like he's in his early-to-mid 20s.) When OS finally was able to come over to me and Adorable, we learned he'd gotten no sleep the night before, and so he was exhausted. He needed a nap and said he'd call me later. He wasn't particularly warm. I didn't get the good vibe. Adorable immediately steered us to the nearest bar, where I began to go over every single worst-case scenario. Thank goodness she was there, though, because I think it would have been just miserable to turn everything over in my head without any feedback, without any good company.

Adorable even came home to hang out with me, and we did indeed partake of distracting fun activities, including comparing my jdate profile with her profile. Also she told me about the cute Jewish boy she'd met the other night who was the nicest thing in the world and whom she had to get me to meet sometime. In fact, she kept talking about him, I'm sure to get my mind of OS.

OS did call. Almost the minute he'd woken up from his nap. And it felt more like the old OS. He was cute, flirty, he called me babe. We didn't wind up getting together again that night, but he asked what I was up to this week. I let him know I was mostly free, and he said he'd call or text when he knew what his schedule was like. So will he call/txt/email? Will he follow up and try to see me again? That's the question on the forefront of my mind right now.

I don't know if he's "The one." I wasn't up to that stage yet, not up to that question yet. All I know is that I'm not ready for it to end yet. I'm really not ready for that--and so I'm holding out a glimmer of hope even as I'm so confused. Even as I get one sense from him one moment and another the next. Even as I'm also so worried.

Update: Argh!!! I can't stand the waiting for the phone call. I just feel like he's so over me. And so suddenly and inexplicably! And I hate this feeling, and I just want to curl up in a ball.

Update #2: And I got my phone call. And we have plans set up. And he seems more enthusiastic. And I'm STILL waiting for the other shoe to drop.

--Cute Jewess
Ack. At this point I'm reading into every text, every sliver of interaction. As in, okay he wrote back right away, but why didn't he use a term of affection? Or okay, he seemed so cute on the phone, and he said he was going to call to see me soon, so will he actually do that? Will he just see me to break up?

This is not productive. It is also not really my style. So I am going to try to take a break from thinking about OS as much as possible right now, and I will fill you in on some of the latest details at a later time--if not today then tomorrow I would think!


Sunday, April 13, 2008

Oh man. What to write? This weekend, I saw OS, and all was great at first. But then we went to meet up with his buddies. Now, I've met his buddies before. His buddies love me. In fact, I would spend most of that night talking to his buddies. We'd both been drinking, but I just don't tend to get very drunk. And I think he does. And he's not the most pleasant drunk. Some of the things that were coming out of his mouth just appalled me.

But also, suddenly, it was almost like I wasn't there. Every time I've seen him since our third date, he's been so affectionate. Hugging me, keeping his hand on my leg, giving little kisses. This last time he wouldn't even touch me. So when I put my hand on his back, he said "Wait, are you touchy feely?" I was like, "Dude, you're the touchy feely one." He looked at me like I was nuts. Things just felt awkward, for the first time.

When I told him I was leaving, he pouted. "I'm disappointed," he said. Yeah, you're disappointed because no sex for you, buddy.

One of the things I've really enjoyed about OS is that he doesn't make me feel like I contact him too much. Whenever I text, he's thrilled to hear from me, and responds back right away, usually something cute. If we have plans to see each other, he texts me something like "Lkg fwd to it sweetie." The day after that awkward night, his texts seemed more stilted. When I confirmed our plans, he texted back an "Ok!" instead of a "Lkg fwd."

I have kind of a sick feeling in my stomach. Things might be pretty awkward now, and I dread that. I'm seeing him tonight. What will that be like?

I'm not ready for things to end with OS. I know it's only been about a month, but I've just enjoyed having him around so much. I've enjoyed feeling giddy about him. I've enjoyed his cute as all hell smile, his hugs, just hanging out. I don't fall in "like" this hard very often at all.

As for Hotness? I had fully planned to call him up and end things the day after I was to see OS. But then OS was dickish (we won't yet upgrade his dickishness to douchiness), and so I didn't. But I think things will end with Hotness anyway, in its own time. He used to call and text all the time, and now he's not contacting me very often. And that's fine. I like hanging out with him, but I don't feel much of an emotional connection.

So what will tonight be like with OS? Will he end things? Will things be awkward? Will he be his old self again? Or will he continue to appall me?

I may be very sad tomorrow folks!

--Cute Jewess

Thursday, April 10, 2008

I just had the urge to tell my mom about Original Sporty. Ironically, despite this here HEY, LOOK AT MY LIFE! blog, I'm a very private person. Especially with my parents. The FAF was the first boyfriend I let them meet. I didn't tell my mom about him until we'd been dating about 3 months. The folks met him after almost 6 months. And they're just a subway ride away. I did not tell mom about OS, and I will not--it's too early.

It's been about three weeks with OS, but things feel like they're progressing swiftly. I've seen him 5 times already, and we have plans for our 6th & 7th time. He says I give him goosebumps. How cute is that? And yes, now we've had sex. Mmm, he's good. He says I'm amazing. I mean, so far, things are going well enough to make me nervous about how well they're going! He's pretty much the height of adorableness.

As to Hotness? Oh, Hotness. See, I saw him recently--before the sex with OS--and I had every intention of ending things. But...he's so, so sweet. And so, so cute. And I hadn't seen him in a while, and he said he missed me, and he was just so adorable. So I figured, hey, neither of the dudes has said anything about being exclusive. And I emailed Single (my single dude friend) for advice, and he said that if you're meeting someone online, it's often assumed you're seeing other people at least at figured I wouldn't be doing the greatest sin by dating them both for a wee while longer.

Except, last night, OS implied that he assumed I wasn't seeing other people. Well, there you go. I don't want to fuck things up with him. So despite the fact that I like Hotness too, I know I like OS more. But this is just gutting! Hotness has been expressing that he's really into me for a while now. And he has no idea that I might be anything less so. I don't say this out of hubris, just to reiterate that it makes it harder to break up with someone when you know they really like you. And what am I supposed to say? Hey, I like you dude, but there's this other dude I like more? I'm honestly at a loss as to how to do this.

Wish me luck, on all fronts!

--Cute Jewess

Monday, April 07, 2008

Oh, Original Sporty. I've been calling him "My Crush" because of the giddy feeling I've had about him. I felt I didn't know him well enough to upgrade to "like." But we hung out twice this weekend, and he is such a doll. We've got plans for a 5th date. Things are starting to get more--I can't use the word serious, more like "real." Also, I am thrilled to report that he has skills. Great heaps of skill. I have not had sex with him, but we did some other stuff. He is GREAT at the other stuff.

Of course this leaves poor Hotness rather in the dust. I hate this part. There's no reason I shouldn't be in total crush with him too--but I'm not. And so I'll have to end things.

This might be a weird story, but it's a partial revelation, and so I will share. Since I've been single again, pretty much every dude I've dated has mentioned my body. As in, it's sexy, it's good, etc. In my head, I know that all it takes for some dudes to think that is for you to be at a certain weight. I figured my smaller size was tricking them into not seeing my flaws. That my breasts aren't large enough, my legs not long enough, my shoulders not slender enough. Don't get me wrong--the fact that they said this gave me confidence to an extent, and yes, it made me feel attractive. But last night with OS was perhaps the first time I completely agreed. OS can't say enough that he thinks I'm sexy. (Let me interject that he also says sweet and smart!) He has a mirror in his bedroom, and I saw myself in bra and panties. Maybe it was the lighting, or who knows, but I was like--hey, he's totally right! I've never been able to completely agree before when a dude says that, so it was a good feeling.

You know what else was a good feeling? Everything OS was doing. GOOD feeling!

Thursday, April 03, 2008

I've been kind of swoony over OS this past week, largely in disproportion to what it should be, I think. We squeezed each other into our schedules another time, and he's just so adorable. He's got this cheerful, happy smile. Since I saw him, he's been texting and emailing me often. About how he needs to see me again soon, little things about our days, that he thinks I'm cute. We tried to meet up again, but my schedule got too busy. He left me a sweet little note saying "Miss you."

But we didn't get much time to hang out our 2nd time 'round. We don't really know each other that well yet. So for now, I'll just take it as a fun little flirtation with a sweet, cute guy, and see what happens.

Last night I also got to hang out with the FAF (among others), and it was just great. I'll always have caring feelings for him, if not Love with the capital L. We're starting to talk about our separate dating lives, and it's just fine. I mentioned Original Sporty (as a "crush"), and he was supportive. On his side, this chick is treating him poorly, and I just want to say to her--this guy is great! Be nicer to him! I may have broken his heart, but I was always considerate to him, and I never tried to hurt him!

Hotness? Well, Hotness is still in the picture. I'll probably see him this weekend. But considering that I don't have the same giddy feeling toward him that I do toward OS, I think I'll probably cut ties soon.

--Cute Jewess