Tuesday, May 13, 2008

I haven't written lately for a couple reasons.
1) The more something bothers me, the less I tend to talk about it. Not such a good thing, because talking about it usually helps. But it's that initial pain of scratching the wound that I'm really, really bad at. I am Avoidance personified. Cute Annoyance, of course.

2) I'm in one of those spots where I don't want advice. I can't explain why--the instinct isn't coming from my rational self--but when I'm in this stage of not wanting advice, any time I read a comment from someone who thinks they know all the answers or a "Sorry to say this but you need to know" or whatever else comes from good intentions but sounds very know-it-all and, in truth, obnoxious, it makes me angry. Angry isn't fun. So keep your advice to yourself, please, no matter how right you think you are (especially considering how right you think you are), or whatever your intentions may be. And for those who say: Comments shouldn't get to you. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. Depends on the subject and my mood. What should or shouldn't be is rarely what is.

I did meet with Former Shrink one time to talk about Original Sporty. And I think it helped--he opened my eyes to some facts I really knew but hadn't been able to articulate. Such as that OS is very immature, in his actions and the way he deals with his emotions. He's faulted in ways I had chosen to ignore in favor of the really good parts. I am more aware of these flaws now.

Where I left things with OS was this: We said we'd talk things over. I told him I had a feeling I knew what he was going to say--that he didn't think we were compatible in the long-term. I told him I could be up for something more casual, not exclusive. He said that sounded like an interesting proposition, and we'd discuss things.

We never did.

In the way I go about things, I proceeded to stop talking about him. I pushed him out of my mind. Forcefully. He was something painful. And I am Cute Avoidance.

But as is the case with painful things, the unresolved nature of the way we left things--unresolved to me, at least--has kept me from moving on. So I figured, I will write him an email. I'll tell him what I'm thinking. And we'll see how he responds.

I didn't write the email.

For days, I just didn't feel like it. I asked myself why. Was it because if I didn't hear him say "No, I don't want to see you at all anymore," then the possibility of seeing him again existed somewhere in the ether?

Or was it what the Shrink thought? I told him I was scared of writing the email. He asked why. I didn't know. He says: This guy hurt you. He made everything seem like paradise, courted you and wooed you hardcore, and then turned in an instant into something different. What if he says yes? What if he says, yes, let's date casually, while we see other people. But then he creates this wonderful world for you again? Then he can hurt you again.

I found myself in a spot where I was damned if I did, damned if I didn't. If I didn't write the email, I know I'd always think of him as a possibility, no matter what the reality of the situation was. If I did write the email, I might be opening myself up for nothing but more hurt in the future.

I finally wrote the email.

I'm waiting to hear his response.

But in the meantime, I have several Jsuitors. Never fear, I am keeping busy. Tonight I have a date with One or Other. I'm calling him One or Other because of his 4 pics, a couple are just fine, one is reallly good, and one is not so good. So which will he look more like? One or the other?

To be continued, my friends.

Remember--you may be dying to write me your opinoin on the whole Original Sporty situation, in comments or email. I would greatly prefer if you didn't.

--Cute Jewess


jgo said...

Hey CJ -- good to read something from you again and thanks for briefing us on what's going on.

Jaclyn said...

I wish you the best of luck with OS, and hope that you will soon have either a satisfying relationship or closure. It's great that you were strong enough to go back to your therapist to discuss this situation, and that you were able to send him an email even though conflict is difficult for you.

As for the new online dating guys - well, usually in my experience when a guy has three pictures and two are great and one shows him completely out of shape, he tends to look more like the third. But maybe you will have better luck with your guy than I've had with mine.

Adorable said...

Don't you dare keep us waiting on the Mr. One or Other judgment call. I'm dying to know! I hope he's One...and if he is, will you change his name to One? Hmm, then again One is a loaded word in the dating world.

Anonymous said...

After the long hiatus I thought maybe the writer's strike had been reinstated! (just kidding). Hope you find some serenity whichever way the wind blows and the road takes you or any other metaphor you might care to add.

Loverville said...

Like Adorable wrote above... I'm really curious to see which pic One or Other actually resembled!

True... it's usually the unflattering pic. But there's been the rare occasion when I've been pleasantly surprised by a guy who looked better than his pic.

Cute Jewess said...

Report to come later!

I've already rejected one know-it-all comment along the lines of the ones that bug me. Will there be more?

Hint: I don't read them past the point where I see what they are.

Anonymous said...

Hey CG, about OS, you should just...oh, well, never mind.

Michele said...

as requested, no advice. Just checking in to say good to hear from you again : )

Heather said...

Glad you're okay! Everything will work itself out--I'm a strong believer in things happen for a reason...your knight will come!

Lots of hugs!!

Anonymous said...

Totally with you on the comments thing. What you write is what you choose to's your life, this is your vent. How anyone can think they 'know' your situation, then decide to comment on it is crazy!
oh I hope to read he's the 'one or other' you find attractive!