Thursday, November 08, 2007

Oh, I've got a story for you! The kind you'll like, I think, and I have a feeling you'll all have opinions on it that you'll want to share. And, as usual, I'll ignore or bite back at the bitchy comments... ;-) But it's long, so we'll do it in 2 parts.

Sometime not long ago, Good Friend Whose Identity I Will Not Reveal had a lovely get-together for some of her closest friends. What a fun night! With food, much wine, and excellent company. At this party was Good Friend's Boyfriend. Also present was an ex of hers, who has continued to be a friend these past 10 years since they ended things. But whom I still knew as "her ex."

At some point, Good Friend's Ex and I started chatting. We found we had similar tastes and hobbies in common, and when I told him I was shy, he wouldn't believe me. "You're so dynamic," he said. By the end of our conversation, he had told me in a roundabout way that he thought I was cute, and in a very direct way (more than once) that he thought I was cool. I left the party thinking--hang on a sec. Good Friend's Ex was totally just flirting with me. Weird. But before I realized that, I had agreed to get in touch with Ex to hang out--since we enjoy certain of the same activities. I wouldn't have thought of it as a date at all--and in fact, I was already planning to invite others along--as I'd told Ex I would.

Now, I know you will feel me on this. How horrible--painful, sticky, downright torturous--can it be when a dude gets in between a close friendship? Having that happen was the farthest thing from my mind. I emailed Good Friend the next day: I got the sense that [Ex] might have been digging me a bit. That felt kinda weird--he's your ex-boyfriend. [I said I'd invite him to hang out.] But would that be considered a "date" thing? I'd be asking as a "friend" thing.

You might be thinking--did I think Ex was cute? Yeah, I did, but honestly (I swear!) the idea of him being any kind of option romantically was so far from my mind that I didn't even wonder if I would be interested in him. So I felt toward him pretty neutral--he was Dude Switzerland.

Good Friend emailed back that Ex had been her friend way longer than he was her boyfriend, that she didn't imagine them getting back together, and that she didn't "think" she'd have a problem with us dating. STILL. Not "thinking" it'll be a problem isn't good enough when you love your friend. And STILL I just wasn't thinking about him that way, because of their history.

Some days later, I figured I'd get in touch with Ex to hang out, so Good Friend and I emailed about him again. She said, and I'll paraphrase, that Ex tends to seem flirty when he's just being friendly. He's naturally charming. He has lots of female friends. I got the sense she was telling me that perhaps I misinterpreted his intentions. That he wouldn't think it was a "date" if I asked him to hang out. So I made plans with Ex. I invited Good Friend, but she couldn't come. I invited another friend, but she couldn't come. So it would just be us two. Hanging out. As friends.

When I got back from my hanging out with Ex, I emailed Good Friend straight away: "yeahhhhhh, that was completely not meant to be platonic tonight. i am completely confused and at sea and just want to do what's best for you."

Stay tuned for Part 2!!
--Cute Jewess


Single Girl said...

Okay! I'm ready for Part 2! From what I've read so far. . . It's been long enough to where if Good Friend's Ex was interested in you and you were interested in him, as long as she didn't have a problem with it (and if she did it would be a bit weird and might mean that she did have hopes of getting back together with him or something) that he's fair game and go for it! Can't wait to hear what happens!!

sexagenarian and the city said...

okay, i'll stay tuned, but it's the end of a heavy work week, so this is what i'm ready for: 1) how long can a woman have a 'claim' on a man after they've broken up? isn't the world full of people whose partners were previously their friends' partners? that happens, and life goes on... and 2) do you need to do 'what's best for' her? what about what's best for you? -- okay, looking forward to rest.

jess said...

just curious...if you were unsure about the whole thing, why did you invite him out? When a girl contacts a guy, and asks him out, he does not think she is looking for new friends. Sorry, CJ, but sounds like you need an ego boost from a guy who thinks you are "dynamic! cool! cute1" Why play with fire?

Cute Jewess said...

Riiight, because the only reason you'd ever hang out with someone who shares your likes and interests is for an ego boost. Please. Finding someone to do cool stuff with is fun. Ah, how some commenters love to be all conclusion-jumpy.

acaligurl said...

wow. i guess it all depends on how we look at things. would it be cool if your friend started hanging with your ex? i have some friends who don't care if their friends hang out with their ex's and some that do care. hmmm i have to agree with jess, "why play with fire?"