Flirty High Guy is psychotic. For real now. Psychotic.

So I go to Brill's holiday party, and I see lots of Brill and her fiance's friends, whom I don't get to see often at all, but whom I've known for years. So there's the hi, the catching up, the wine, the food, the normal chit chatty holiday party stuff. Best Friend stops by the party for what she'd call "a hot minute," and I feel great just seeing her--it's been a while! So lah di dah, party going along swell.

EXCEPT. Flirty High Guy, can you just leave me alone? Please? I was working what I was calling the "Zone of Safety" at the party. Any time I'd see FHG, I'd go to the kitchen and declare it a safety zone. Or I'd find a friend and hide behind him or her. FHG? Was in rare form. Kicking chairs around, dropping food and drink everywhere--even once forcefully spewing a bottle of water all over the floor. Lovely, no?

And oh, it gets better.

Last year around this time, Brill, her fiance, and a big group of some of the people at the party went out to dinner. I was at the far corner of the table seated with (why?!) FHG and another dude I'll call Sweet Pea--because he's a sweetheart of a guy, and small. I had forgotten that FHG and Sweet Pea were trying to get me to "choose" one of them throughout the night. Apparently I was very diplomatic and said they were both fine in their own ways but I would decline the option. You know, something like that.

At the party, Sweet Pea was being perfectly charming in the way a guy will flirt when he knows nothing's really gonna happen. "So, what would it take, CJ? Flowers? Do you like flowers? What have your boyfriends done to win you over?" Then FHG comes over and starts the whole "You have to choose one!" mandate again. If you don't choose, you're boring! You have to choose! Yeah, I go to the Zone of Safety.

Throughout the night, there would be more conversation with FHG when I couldn't avoid it, and I was perfectly diplomatic--this is Brill's fiance's very good friend after all--but really he knew he was being a jerk, and I just kind of shrugged it off. Such as:

FHG: Can I have naked pictures of you?
CJ: Nope, can't say that's gonna happen.
FHG: Oh come onnnn, why not?
CJ (sarcastically): Guess you'll just have to imagine.
FHG: No, that's what the pictures are for. So I can imagine having sex with you.

FHG: Why do I get more and more attracted to you?
CJ: Because I keep saying no.
FHG: How about you stay over my place.
CJ: Nope.

Yes, FHG was drunk as hell, but he's also kind of just like this.

Toward the end of the party, there's just a few of us, including Gentleman, Brill's fiance's friend from out of town whom I also know and like hanging out with. Brill and Fiance suggest heading to a bar nearby, and we do. So it's 3 gals and 3 guys, including FHG and Sweet Pea. I sit near Brill, and we've got a wobbly table full of drinks and candles.

As soon as I saw FHG coming, I blew out the candles. Homeboy's a fire hazard. He leaned on the table, nearly sending all the drinks flying, and I was just getting pissed. Enough already. "Come on, FHG," I said, "Just sit down." FHG grabbed my glass of wine and swirled it around, getting wine all over the stem for me to hold. "That's great," I said sarcastically. I had been pleading with him to just put it down. But no, he has to pick it up again and procede to spill--in full 3D flying arc motion--the glass all over my dress.

I was not happy, but I wasn't yelling yet. "Can you please go get me some napkins," I said in a very annoyed voice. Brill looked to her fiance, but he shrugged. "What am I gonna do, kick him out?" Ya know what, Fiance? Yes. Kick him out. Or at least say to him, "Hey, why don't you leave CJ alone buddy." But of course Fiance was drunk too, if perhaps not as gone as FHG. Still...

Gentleman leaned over from his corner of the table and said to me "You forgot about the Zone of Safety!" So there was readjusting, and the group made sure I was on the other side of the table from FHG.

Except. EXCEPT! FHG jumps onto the friggin' wobbly table and lunges toward me to...I don't know what! I felt like I was about to be physically attacked. "What are you doing!?" I yelled. "Get down! What are you doing!?" The people in the bar around us watched in stunned silence. Nice, right?

I had to leave. Even though I was enjoying hanging with the other people--whom I rarely get to see--I couldn't take another second around FHG. As I got up, Sweet Pea protested. "No, CJ, don't go. He's just being like that because you're patient."

"Oh, I'm not patient," I told Sweet Pea. "I was patient."

I grabbed my coat and headed toward the narrow passageway out of the bar, except smack in the middle of it is FHG. I visibly cringed. Gentleman must have seen it from the table, because he came over and said, "May I escort you out?" Love him.

Oy. My nerves were completely rattled. I couldn't get a cab--!!--and wound up walking the 15 blocks home in my uncomfortable boots. Not so fun.

The next day I got a call from Brill saying she was "horrified" for what FHG had done but that "He's more horrified." Apparently he'd asked for my email address to write me an apology. Brill tactfully suggested FHG send the email to Fiance, who would forward it to me. I do not want to give FHG any easier way of contacting me, that is for sure.

For Pete's sake. Remember when my drama involved wondering if some Jdate boy was going to write me back? No worries--I'll be signing up again soon. If only to avoid the crazies in Real Life!

--Cute Jewess