Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Do you remember several months ago when I told you about my Frenemy? Well, she's back. She's emailing me like her big freak out and our fight never happened. First she included me in a group happy New Year email, which I just ignored. But now she's writing to me specifically, starting "Hey CJ!" as if we've been buddy buddy all this time.

Part of me knows it would be very easy to avoid talking about the conflict and just say, "Ok, we'll be on speaking terms again now," but I don't think that'll make me feel good. I need to at least talk about what happened if I'm to have any relationship with this woman. I was hurt, and very angry. She's so immature and sensitive, though, that I don't know if talking about it would be a possibility. I have not particularly missed her friendship, but we do have friends in common, and hanging out all together in the future will be likely. I can't see her and just pretend all is normal.

So, I'm thinking what I have to do is write her back, briefly, that I can't just ignore what happened, and I'd like to talk about it not on email. Of course, I don't particularly want to talk about it with her. How do you tell someone, Hi, I think you resent me and are just waiting for any chance to blow up at me, and what you did was really shitty even if you don't think so?

Should I just ignore her? Try to talk to her even though I know we will never be actual friends again no matter what? For now, I'll let it lie. I haven't got the time in my day right now to deal with her mishigas (Yiddish for annoying craziness).

--Cute Jewess


Loverville said...

I think you should talk to her, esp since you have those friends in common, and will need to see her at some point.

Open communication / getting stuff off your chest -- some of my goals in '08!

Cute Jewess said...

I agree that the talk should happen--but I'm dreading it because she's so sensitive and narcissistic that she interprets "Hello" as "It's all about you, Frenemy, and look how I'm attacking you now." Sigh.

Single Girl said...

I agree that you should talk to her. Maybe the therapist will have some good insight as to the best way to approach her without it seeming like you're attacking her.

Kale Rae said...

You have to talk to her - not only because of the mutual friends you have in common but for your own personal growth in being able to confront issues head on and not internalize them thinking that eventually the hurt feelings/anger will go away. Because they never do...go away.

I had to recently quit a job over some shiteous activity directed my way and it was a leap for me to confront my boss over what happened and why I was quitting, but I'm glad I spoke up and let her know the reason and just didn't let the issue you die and me walk away.

Anonymous said...

I'm not entirely certain if I agree with everyone else about having a talk. She was acting like a 12 year old in Mean Girls without any provocation. If she were your boss, or someone you cared about and missed I would say that you should talk to her to try to resolve this. But she sounds like a very unhappy, toxic, jealous person. And people like that cannot be appeased or made happy. It's just best to avoid them, and to kill them with kindness when you run into them. Tell her what a lovely outfit she is wearing, and how nice she looks and ask her how she is doing. If she asks you about the emails, just look confused and tell her that you are so sorry but they must have fallen into your spam filter. She has already dragged all of your friends into her fight over nothing; her continuing to bitch and moan about you is going to just keep annoying them.

If she was a sane person who had apologized for her actions, I would tell you that you should discuss your issues, but I think she may be trying to provoke you into another fight so that she can run to all of your friends and tell them what a bitch you are. Or she is hoping to become your friend again to find out bad things about you.

I'd at least wait for an apology before starting a conversation about her actions.

Best of luck to you.


Cute Jewess said...

Thanks for the advice, all! I'm trying to decide what will be best for me, and when I know I will do it!

Anonymous said...

People who don't like each other and have to travel in the same circles can simply resort to politeness
(as Jaclyn seemed to get at above).
That's partly what politeness is there for. She sounds a bit like a "no good deed can go unpunished" type. Why let lack of connection with her weigh on you when you don't really want connection anyway?

RedHead said...

I totally agree with jaclyn... the same way "you can't please all the people all the time," you don't have to be friends with the everyone, even if they want it. She is toxic and terrible, and she should not only remain in the "trash" bin, but you should go ahead and "empty trash bin," dig. Apologies for the nerdy computer metaphor.