Thursday, September 27, 2007

I just logged onto Jdate for the first time in 3 days, got hugely bored, and came here instead.

There is drama in my life right now. Unnecessary drama being perpetrated by a friend whom I now know is my "frenemy." It seems like she's been harboring jealous resentment against me for months, and now decided to let it out in the most passive aggressive way--a group email--amongst all our mutual friends. Nice, huh?

Many of our mutual friends are now pissed at her for creating problems out of thin air and ruining a project we were all working on together. But it's been a big bummer, basically, to my already bummed out mood. This was someone I liked. Yes, she's moody and bitter. But she seemed to have a good heart and good intentions. Now I'm not so sure. Because she refuses to talk to me, I don't know if we'll resolve our issues. I'm thinking I don't even want to. The story is so long, and will involve many details I can't divulge (no matter what questions you may ask). But I'll try.

Background: Frenemy and I work in similar fields. She has had more of a struggle, while I have had more success. But I've given her lots of advice (only when she sought it out from me), that I know she's genuinely appreciated, and I've never been anything but super supportive. Here's the thing. She's also...oy. I hate to say this. But she's not a conventionally attractive woman. She's obese. She's got a stern expression. Several chins. Paired with what at times can be a surly, bitter personality. She's good at alienating people. Knowing this, I have always given her extra rope.

For instance, I first knew something was wrong between us a few months ago, when Frenemy, Sporty, Cheery Girl and I were having a fun dinner outing. Frenemy started to basically tell me she thought her work was more important/serious/valuable than mine, and that I've only had certain aspects of my success because this one guy thinks I'm cute. I can't tell you how condescending she sounded. Later, I would ask Sporty: Did I hear what I think I heard? Sporty was like: Um, yeah. But we decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. We agreed that her intentions couldn't have been bad. I let it slide.

Now, of late, Frenemy has twisted every single word out of my mouth as a personal attack. If I offered suggestions on the group project we were working on? She said I was trying to dictate everything. If I tried to make her feel better when she was down? I was lecturing. I only found all this out in a huge group email she sent to everyone about how I verbally attacked her. If you're wondering how my words can be so completely twisted and misunderstood, trust me, you're not alone. We're all wondering that.

The group started emailing each other (they would later tell me): What had they missed?

The answer was nothing. She was creating drama literally out of absolutely nothing. It is so frustrating to have someone put words into your mouth. AND, AND this was right after I'd seen Frenemy one-on-one for about an hour. She didn't say a word to me about being angry or upset. If she had? I would have been shocked, and I would have tried to figure how she could possibly misinterpret so much. Instead, she went home after hugging me good-bye, and wrote the email attacking me.

Our mutual friends all responded: WTF?
Sporty and Cheery Girl met with me that night and basically went to town on how unbearable Frenemy has been. How controlling she is. How they have to walk on eggshells around her. I told them: I would rather talk to Frenemy about this than discuss it behind her back. But she refuses.

Sporty looked me in the eye. "Don't you know you two are rivals?"

Me: "What? What would I have to be rivals with her about?"

Sporty: "You have what she wants."

In general, I'm getting better at not thinking everything is my fault. But with that comes a new level of anger in my life where there used to be guilt. Because I'm not stewing in anguish thinking "What could I have done to Frenemy?" instead I'm angry at her for going around thinking she's better than me, for picking fights, for ruining our fun group project.

The irony is that she's just so narcissistic. So while part of me would like to feel sorry for her, I can't. She thinks she's the best at everything and that the world just doesn't see it. I told Sporty, "But have you seen her work? Some of it's...just kind of blah." Sporty responded "If her work was as good as she thinks it is, she wouldn't need this attitude about it."

I've probably written too much here. I'm terrified someone in the group will find it. I've been too honest and open with my feelings. But when you can't talk to the person who's responsible for them? Well, I needed another outlet. So I'm taking my chances.

--Cute Jewess


Samantha said...

That is so awful. I had that once with a friend and it hurts because you feel like you haven't done anything wrong and like you are losing a friend also. I don't understand why can't you just call Frenemy up to go have a drink and talk about it? That would be the best thing. Then if she isn't receptive to you trying to work things out, you know you have tried your best...

Kale Rae said...

It's unfortunate that your friend/frenemy had to choose such a childish way to deal with her supposed issues with you. You have nothing to feel guilty about - you didn't pull this highschool bullshit. I'd email her "if you have a problem with me or something I've done, I'd appreacite you being adult enough to deal with it by communicating with me and not trying to pit all my friends against me".

Clearly you need to cut your losses.....

Anonymous said...

I think that it is can be incredibly hard when two friends work in the same field, and one is successful and the other is struggling. When people struggle at work, sometimes they make up excuses as to why they are struggling, and your success demonstrates the fallacy of her excuses. The only way you could solve this problem is by being a failure at work, so you have to choose between her happiness or yours. The good news is that it sounds like your friends are strongly behind you and support you completely, so all she will end up doing is alienating herself from your mutual friends. As hard as it is to listen to this advice, just try to ignore her middle school Heathers attacks, and do relaxing things for yourself.

Take care,


jgo said...

Sucks to hear all of this, CJ. Was wondering where you were hiding. What kind of work do you do?

So did you ever hear from any of the DOUCHES from last week after the fact?

Dating Trooper - Dating is Warfare said...

I totally relate to your situation. I've never been more hurt than by my female "friends" (who turned out to be frenemies. It's good that you have moved past blaming yourself and -even after all that's happend - you sound quite understanding of her psychological state. But don't try to apply logic to her actions. She's troubled. It hurts but you are a casualty of her mental state. Good luck, rely on your friends and remember you did nothing to deserve it. Enjoy your success!

Cute Jewess said...

Jgo, if I were ever going to divulge what kind of work I do, I would have done it already :-)

As to the douches? I wrote Hottie1 a Jdate email basically saying--"Good thing you saved me from having a date with an inconsiderate guy." He never even read it (Jdate tells you when your sent mail is opened). DOUCHE.

bailey said...

I understand what you are saying. I recently had a series of stressful interactions with a friend who it turned out was holding in "issues" with me that they had not been willing to tell me. This friend also would not talk about it and a series of hurtful emails in both directions was disastrous. In the end, the point that she no longer wanted to be my friend finally because of the unspoken issues came out. Unfortunately, lots of hurtful things went back and forth prior to that. I'd rather have been told the issues and had the friendship end, then been involved in the crappy interactions and then ruinous email exchanges. You shouldn't feel guilty at all. You can't address something you aren't told and you can't deal with someone who won't come to the table. Sorry you had to go through that. For real, life is hard enough! Hang in there.

Cute Jewess said...

Wow, seems quite a few of you have had similar experiences. Thanks for sharing--it's comforting to hear that others have gone through this too!

Heather said...

Oy vey!! Figures! It's always something...

This is her problem...not yours, and she's taking it out on you, probably bc your friend is right...she wants what you have! Poo on her! You certainly don't need people like that in your life!!

Hope you're able to move on from this quickly!! It's upsetting, but really not worth your time or energy!!


Michele said...

People do stupid things when they are jealous. Heather is right. This is her problem. Not yours. She should be totally ashamed of herself for sending that email to your friends.

acaligurl said...

she sounds like a wah wah. however, watch your back!