I am feeling very confused right now, and I wonder if blogging will help. I also wonder whether I should turn off the comments for this one. Let me set up a bit first. You know I've been all giddy happy about OS, and I had so forgotten what that feeling was like. How it's so exciting when it's going on--how you feel like you're on the top of the world, just because someone you like so much thinks you're the bomb.com. I haven't felt this mixture of physical attraction and sheer crush giddiness since college. That's a long time. So losing it--for whatever reason, whether it be because the object likes me less or that the object turns out to be not so great--anything that will change it will make me feel very sad.
So, to recap on what happened before yesterday: We start our last date just like always. He's sweet as anything, adorable, complimentary. Then within a couple hours, there's a complete 180 change. Out of the blue. A shocker.
When I saw OS yesterday, I knew it would be at an event. I knew there would be other people there. And so I invited a friend to join--I'll call her Adorable because she is so totally adorable. I knew I wouldn't get to spend much time with OS at the event, but when we'd last parted, I had said to him, "Will I see you afterwards?" and he had said, "Why wouldn't you?" and he had given me one of his sweet adorable little kisses. It had been the only recognizable moment in a few hours. It had given me a glimmer of hope. That maybe when I saw him after the event things would be okay.
I was nervous all during the event. I filled in Adorable on the whole goings-on. At one point OS winked at me from across the room, and Adorable gushed about how cute that was. It was pretty darn cute. Except, oy, the partying again. (I will be the first to admit that he is a man in his mid-to-late 30s who seems to party like he's in his early-to-mid 20s.) When OS finally was able to come over to me and Adorable, we learned he'd gotten no sleep the night before, and so he was exhausted. He needed a nap and said he'd call me later. He wasn't particularly warm. I didn't get the good vibe. Adorable immediately steered us to the nearest bar, where I began to go over every single worst-case scenario. Thank goodness she was there, though, because I think it would have been just miserable to turn everything over in my head without any feedback, without any good company.
Adorable even came home to hang out with me, and we did indeed partake of distracting fun activities, including comparing my jdate profile with her match.com profile. Also she told me about the cute Jewish boy she'd met the other night who was the nicest thing in the world and whom she had to get me to meet sometime. In fact, she kept talking about him, I'm sure to get my mind of OS.
OS did call. Almost the minute he'd woken up from his nap. And it felt more like the old OS. He was cute, flirty, he called me babe. We didn't wind up getting together again that night, but he asked what I was up to this week. I let him know I was mostly free, and he said he'd call or text when he knew what his schedule was like. So will he call/txt/email? Will he follow up and try to see me again? That's the question on the forefront of my mind right now.
I don't know if he's "The one." I wasn't up to that stage yet, not up to that question yet. All I know is that I'm not ready for it to end yet. I'm really not ready for that--and so I'm holding out a glimmer of hope even as I'm so confused. Even as I get one sense from him one moment and another the next. Even as I'm also so worried.
Update: Argh!!! I can't stand the waiting for the phone call. I just feel like he's so over me. And so suddenly and inexplicably! And I hate this feeling, and I just want to curl up in a ball.
Update #2: And I got my phone call. And we have plans set up. And he seems more enthusiastic. And I'm STILL waiting for the other shoe to drop.