Monday, May 21, 2007

Hmmm. I believe this is a passing moment, and that I will be feeling back to normal even tonight. But it's not like that ever stopped me from scribbling before.

I'm feeling a bit...blah. Fed up, maybe. Not quite frustrated, certainly not defeated. Just sparkly and optimistic as usual. I think I know why. It's because dating is hard. And uncontrollable. You can do everything "right" and still not get what you want. I'm used to working hard, doing something well, and getting rewarded for it. That's life. It's certainly not dating.

Here I am talking as if something's gone wrong. Nothing's gone wrong. As of right now, things are just fine. I'd like BCD to call, but I know from past experience that he waits a few days, and that he usually calls in the late evening. So I shouldn't be worried that I haven't heard from him today--especially since he's likely still working.

But I would like to know when I'm going to see him again. I'd like to know when he's going to call. It is absolutely reasonable that I know neither of these things--for, that's dating. But I'm having a moment of--yes, perhaps frustration is an okay word--that all these things are out of my control.

Then again, these were all things I knew with the FAF. During the early months of our relationship, when I wanted to talk to him, I called him. He'd be perfectly thrilled with that. When I wanted to hang out, we hung out. I had my control. But ultimately, I didn't have what I wanted.

So maybe it's a good thing that I'm being forced to play by a different set of rules. Maybe (hopefully?--ooh, is the optimism returning already?) this is exactly how it should be. With me waiting. And uncertain. But hopefully open to whatever path may choose me.

Because I can't do all the choosing. And, when all's said and done, I don't think I really want to.

--Cute Jewess


Loverville said...

Monday blahs, eh?

Such is dating life... some days are great, others, sucky.

Your great days will emerge again soon!

Heather said...

Wow, that's some deep stuff! I think in a way it's good to sort of lose control once in awhile. I think if you are so used to controlling everything it will end up causing major anxiety (yes i know about this lol) So, taking a more laid back approach is good. You'll see where things lead...I'm sure good things are ahead for you!! Just take one day at a time!